Each day during this Stay At Home Order has felt like the ultimate test- how much uncertainty and discomfort can I take in life? Without a job, no stable income, unsure whether I can pay my bills, my lease ending in just a couple months, crying a lot, thinking about the comfort and safety of past relationships, contemplating "what am I supposed to do next?"
But the real question is- What can I do now? I've been given the gift of time, to sit with my current reality and all the emotions that come with it. How do I want to be spending this time?
I want to share some observations and practices I've been working on. The daily mindset starts with how mornings are spent- my internal alarm clock shoots me wide awake at 7am most mornings. I wake up, wrap my robe around myself, and step out onto my patio. Sitting in the crisp morning air seems to clear any energy from the previous day, and allows me to breathe in the freshness and beauty of the new day. I listen to the birds and observe the nature that surrounds me. I usually smoke a sativa joint as a ritual to begin my day. Some light stretching or yoga next, followed by breakfast and coffee. Mornings tend to set the mood for the rest of my day, so I encourage waking early to take the time and enjoy the morning.
Recognizing our habits can be life changing- start with observing how you talk to yourself. We are always sitting with our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings and it's so easy to judge the way we are feeling or thinking. But what if we just allowed it? Free from judgement? Sounds easier said than done, I know. I spend countless hours second guessing myself, with everything. Should I do this or that? What's the "right" thing to do? It feels like we are stuck, with limited options. However, what if we just observe the thought? Accept the thought? And hold the thought gently, tenderly, like a small child and tell the thought "It's okay to feel this." Talk to yourself as you would talk to someone you love- kindly, compassionately, with care. This is stepping into the power of working on our inner child and healing traumatic experiences that have been repressed from our past. The way you talk to yourself can help you finally accept and feel your emotions. It will feel uncomfortable at first, recognizing how you carry your shame, but this is how healing begins.
I've been stepping into the art of reading, for the first time in years.. I don't feel proud to admit that I haven't read a book from cover to cover in years- But I'm showing up! I'm reading books! What you read and what information you ingest is IMPORTANT. I just finished "What A Time To Be Alone" by Chidera Eggerue, a guide on why you are already enough. This book is incredible, it can be life-changing even. It's a fresh perspective directed at the relationship with oneself and how it creates the stepping stones of the relationships one has with others. I felt the book was so relatable, and helped me evaluate the way I think of myself, my past traumas, past relationships, current friendships, as well as the dynamic between me and my family. It set me up for new ways of thinking moving forward with my connections. I find that to be very valuable and beautiful. Find a book or article that resonates with you and DIVE in to the unknown.
The last habit I've been practicing is who I share my energy with. This is powerful. I remember reading a quote "Everyone is a mirror. You just have to choose to keep around those who reflect your love, your safety, your peace, and your light." I love that. There are times, though, where I feel that this is easier said than done. Some people in our lives aren't in alignment with how we view ourselves, or maybe we find ourselves comparing our lives to those of the people around us. But, comparison is the thief of joy. That person who is causing you to question your self worth while you are dealing with the most stressful circumstances of your lifetime is probably not your soulmate. I'm talking about the importance of who you choose to share your fullest self with. You may find that this ends friendships, romantic relationships, and could even result in limiting/cutting ties with family members. You choose who has access to you. Share yourself with those who you TRUST, and love, and feel understood by. I'm learning that for my peace of mind (or my sanity) there are only a handful people that I trust, love, and feel understand me. The whole package. Some questions that I ask myself to help identify if I want to share my energy with someone is:
- How do I feel about myself when I am around this person?
- Do I trust this person's judgement or opinion?
- Do I feel I can be honest with them? Are they honest with me?
- Am I inspired by this person?
- Do I feel seen / understood with this person?
I believe these are all important questions to ask oneself with any and all relationships we have. For me, this helps identify who I want to choose to share my energy with and who I don't want to share my energy with. I'm finding that by asking myself these deep personal questions, it's setting me up for success in creating boundaries for myself- which is an act of self-love. There is definitely more to relationships and connection than just these questions listed above, I get that. And there is no spiritual teacher, guide, counselor or guru who can tell you what you should do or shouldn't do, it's your OWN healing journey and I'm here to share only my personal experience. If certain tools or beliefs resonate with you, or help to guide you in your path- trust that. Trust yourself. Trust the universe. That's the beauty in life- the balance. Love yourself a little extra right now. Observe what is. You're evolving, learning, growing and discovering yourself more and more through this life experience. It's all about to fall into place for you. Here you are, doing it all on your own. Here, you are healing.